Corpus Christi Announces Development of Biggest Self-Storage Facility Ever
by John Stevens
Corpus Christi, TX - Extra Space spokesperson Sam Klein announced today that Extra Space will be building the largest self-storage facility ever, here in Corpus Christi, Texas. The new facility will be called Excessive Space.
“Each unit is big enough to hold an aircraft carrier,” Klein explained, “and some of them will.”
“Whenever we leave these carriers out in the harbor,” explained local defense contractor Henry G. Kendall, who repairs and maintains aircraft carriers, “they tend to get vandalized.” Last week, he noted, the U.S.S. George HW Bush, which just went into service in 2009, was defaced by a group of drunken astronauts. “I think of astronauts as above that sort of thing,” commented local resident Kathie Yoder in disbelief. The astronauts scrawled “slowpoke,” “dilly-dallier,” and “sluggard” on the ship's hull.
“Our pilots don't take kindly to that kind of language,” noted Seaman Patrick Diedrich. “Neither do our ship captains. We can hit 35 knots on a good day. And a pilot in a SuperHornet can hit Mach 1.8. Nothing slow about that.”
Chief Petty Officer Ronald Kramer agreed. All in all, he felt, the Navy would be able to make good use of the new Excessive Space offering. “We needed a secure facility.”
On being asked whether the Navy could not secure its own vessels, Kramer responded, “We are the Navy, yes, and we are armed, but just as you don't go after a mosquito with an automatic weapon, I don't feel right about going after a vandal with a Sidewinder missile.”
Was it a matter of proportion? The punishment should fit the crime?
“No,” said Kramer, “it's more a matter of aim.”
The U.S. Navy will not be the only new customers at Corpus Christi's Excessive Space facility. Excessive Space will also store other large vehicles, such as cranes and commercial jets. It can also store unused carnival rides, such as ferris wheels and roller coasters. Because of the economic downturn, many such items are being mothballed.
“We've also had quite a few inquiries from accountants, lawyers, stockbrokers, government agencies - any kind of business or organization that deals with a lot of paper,” Klein said. “You would be surprised. You truly can never have enough space in your storage unit when you are trying to keep archived files.”
Members of the community are taking a strong interest in Excessive Space as well. Corpus Christi resident Jay Schneider wondered if he could build a house in one of the units. (Unfortunately, self-storage facilities are not zoned for residential use.) Tourist Deborah Wolf-Conway, visiting from Maryland, asked, “Do you suppose the IRS will rent storage here for all the blood they squeeze out of turnips? Or will it be dry storage only?”
Dry storage, for the moment, Klein confirmed later.